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My Dreamland - Saint Petersburg Flight Of Icarus Comfortably Numb All these years, all these memories, there was you Into The Wild Dreamer I cant change what happened Protect Me |
::My Dreamland - Saint Petersburg
My dreamland... City which I wanna be live forever...
Don't remember exact time but I was about 12 years old, my aunt came from Saint Petersburg. She also know Turkish so good. She teached me some Russian, wrote alphabet and showed some photos of there. In that time, I decided to learn Russian and stay here... I don't know why but everythig look impossible and don't believe that my dreams come true. But now, I'm living in my dreamland ! I never forget when I take a first step into to Petersburg. I couldn't thing anything. Just amazed and be sure again that I really wanna be here. It's something like that I'm coming back to my home after a long missing years. Now , I believe a love at first sight .) I'm not going to tell my memories in there. Simply say that every building is historical and architectural. There is a harmony, everything looks like a part of a body. Nothing looks stranger. If you are interesting to architecture like me, evey building takes your interest and you don't need to do anything special. Just walking on a street is also enough maybe. Also has a great nature, especially you have to sea Petergof or Puskin and don't forget to visit Hermitage which is the biggest art museum in the world. I really miss and wanna be there soon. Moscow - 13.10.2011 |
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Before taking bird photos, every bird is just a sparrow for me. Maybe I never looked carefuly or I didn't realise their beauties.
Photo give me an ability of different view. After taking my camera , everything looks so stranger to me. Waiting to discover. I really got shocked when I saw magpie at the begining of my bird photographing.Said "What a beauty " . However, they are very common birds .) Differences between look and see. Nearly all of my friend asked me "why you took bird photos?" They though that is weird thing. I'm happy to spend my time with birds, insects, butterflies, briefly with nature. So pure, so beautiful. Generally birds are so fearful, thing that us are danger for themself. But sometimes,they trust you and thing that you are reliable. You may come closer to closer. This feelings makes me so happy. Novorossyisk / Russia July 2011 |
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"Hello, Is there anybody in there ?"
Without sharing, everythings remains half. The important part is understandebla or choose the right person to share your thougs, your feelings, your opinions,etc. It may be insignificant, if your interlocutor doen't understand you. You may also be lonely in the crowd and seeking a person. You may also feel lonely even if you are married. You may also feel lonely, even if you are famous singer. "I have become comfortably numb" Sometimes, I do my best to achive something. Something is important for me, something I think to must have it... You can't live without air, without food or water. Also your soul can't live without something. You also have to feed it. Difficult part is, how to feed it ? Hard to find, hard to get it. I heared lots of time, "Why are you unhappy ? You have lots of money, lots of availability, why so sad and so pesimistic ?" People belive that, if you are physicly healthy and if you have enough money, you have to be happy. So interesting. How people can think that friendship or love be affordable? Money doen't always makes you happy. It only ease somethings. Maybe I can't describe clearly, therefore people don't understand it or they are really don't wanna understand it, maybe don't care it. I heared lots of time, "Everything will be alright". Nothings gonna be alright. I don't wanna acting like Polyanna. This doesn't change anything. How can I say lie to myself, fact is clear. Must concede that and carry on... Honestly, I really get tired from seeking and really become confortably numb. "...child is grown, dream is gone..." I miss my childhood. When I was child, everything was good, everything was pure. If I have a change to go back to my childhood and live forever as a child, I accept without thinking. Beucase, I didn't need anything to be happy. The fact is so painful. Novorossyisk / Russia June - 2011 |
::All these years, all these memories, there was you
As usual I bring my tea, choose the film then start watching it. I generally read some reviews or just look IMDB rating before watching but that time I didn`t read any review, also nobody prefer me to watch `The Fountain` . I even don`t know the genre, Is it drama, romantic,Sci-Fi, horror, thriller ? This movie is my milestone. My view of life, before watching and after watching... I don`t wanna tell the all of the story of movie . All the excitement runs away if I do that. I just wanna tell my fear, my biggest phobia. Despair ! Some times words are not enough to desribe your feelings. Actually, words can never describe your exact feelings. Just dream about a doctor, who is struggle to find a cure for brain tumour and dream about a doctor`s wife, who is suffering with a brain tumour... He did his best, he worked day and night, even negligent to his wife. Just dream that your love is dying each day in front of your eyes and you can`t do anything to rescue her.... Death is a disease, it's like any other. And there's a cure. A cure - and I will find What value will there ever be in life, if we are not together ? Novorossiysk / Russia June 2011 |
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Happiness is only real when shared!
Sometimes, I wanna go away, far away to escape this unreliable , deceitful life. I don`t know is the life also boring and meaningless to you. Routines... It`s meaningless for me now because I have no one to share my life, my feelings, my opinions. Taking photo alone, watching movie alone, traveling alone, cooking alone and eat it alone. There is a huge missing part of this. Everything remains half maybe more less. Maybe It looks like a paranoia to wanna go away even with wanna share something to someone... In a novel of Hugo, there is quote like that " Thanks God! I have no hope left ". A man said that, condemned man who has one day to live... Hope is not always give a positive, optimistic feelings. Sometimes It gives you unbearable pains. I hope someday and said myself "Everything will be fine" , but nothings gonna be fine for long time. Hopes against to hope. So, It`s really hard for me to find reliable, friendly person, it`s hard for me to find love.I did my best and I get tired. I know also I believe with all my heart, without sharing the emotions everything remains half but I have no energy. Like an Iron Maiden`s song, " The loneliness of a long distance runner" Novorossiysk / Russia June 2011 |
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I`m living a dream of fantasy... If you see me smiling, probably I`m dreaming :) I`m happy in my dreamland. Because I created it with all of my desires. I can do anything and nobody can prevent that, I can walk on the moon, I can marry with Angelina Jolie, I can be a movie star, I can do anything. But remember that , you`ll be happy in your dreamland if you don`t want your dreams come true. Novorossiysk / Russia June 2011 |
::I can't change what happened
"No matter what I do, I can't change what happened !"
In a movie "City of Angels", doctor asked to someone " Don't you ever wonder who it is we're fighting with ?" ,"There's something bigger out there, bigger than me and bigger than you"... No matter what I do, no matter how, I can't change. Everything leads to consent. Sometimes I think, why I try to change something even know that I cant. Life is interesting. Maybe for don't know all the factors acting the situation. Actually it is hard to know that. Even I know all the factors, probably I even don't control it .) I made plans or dream about something but never be exactly the same. Also,rarely I think, If someone desire some extremely good things, why can't get it. Rather, I truely believe that, if someone desire some terrible thing, can get it so easily .) Weird . Novorossyisk / Russia June - 2011 |
